Episode 1: Phone ki Baat
Toh Kya or so What
8 PM, 25 January, 2017 a phone rings @7 RCR
The phone at the other end says," Hello, kem cho Narendrabhai, 26th January ka bahut, bahut badhai."...
" Thank you Donald, congratulations again. Ab ki baar Trump sarkar."
"But Narendrabhai, although the elections are over and I won fair and square, the agitations are not showing signs of waning.They are saying I lost the elections by popular vote."
"Let it be Donald.Tell them that is your electoral system. I also won with 31% votes, toh kya?"
" But the media and the opposition and Chinese lobby have ganged up against me, also the Mexicans."
" I can make all that vanish in a heart-beat."
"Three D's sir, three D's."
"What are they, Narendrabhai."
"Demagoguery, Division and Demonetijation"
"In reverse order.First demonitijation of $50 and $100 bills overnight."
"What $ 50 bills too?"
"Yes,sir, $100 will give shock and $50 will strike awe.
They will line up at ATMs and banks and opposition parties will crowd talk shows in TV channels.Khel Khatam."
"But the media is after me Narendrabhai."
"Simple, Donaldbhai use your brains. Ask Jack Ma of Ali Baba to buy Washington Post from Jeff Bezos of Amazon at a hefty price, ask your sons to buy NY Times and get Goldman Sachs to buy CNN."
" But the Democrats are after me, what should I do?"
" Simple. Ask FBI to open 3 files one to probe financial irregularities in the Clinton Foundation, the other to do a deep dive on e-mails of Hillary and Huma and the third one on the secrets of Chuck Schumer.Get the nastiest agents from FBI to interrogate them every day."
Conversation is interrupted by loud noises in the background, then it resumes.
DT: So what do we do with the visas
NM: Whatever you do, it must be high on optics and low on impact. You must deport some people who are abusing H1B....and stop people from coming in.If they happen to be Iraqis or Pakistanis all the better-you kill two birds with one stone.
DT: But I am asking for Made in America and you are asking for Make in India -will there be any conflict?
NM: No conflict. For example, we will ask the Chinese to make Apple phone parts in Goa and send them on a SKD basis to Cupertino. Cupertino factory of Apple will knock-down and assemble and put a Made in the US label. It will be a win-win-win for all. No bye-bye, Hindi-Chini-Amriki Buy-Buy-Buy.
DT: What about Defence?
NM: You keep your high-decibel screwing of Lockheed Martin, General Dynamics, Boeing and Raytheon on Twitter and TV and I will allow them to assemble and Make in India their equipment. High optics, cushioned impact, good for you, good for me. One more thing , please make Ashley Tellis the US Ambassador to India, Parikker ka saath jamega. Our Defence Minister Panikkar and Tellis can jam together as in jazz.
DT: I don't believe in policies,I believe in deals.
You let VISA expand your cashless economy and I will issue more H1B visas-the policy will be called Win Win Visa Visa
NM:We need to do something about Pakistan, they are harbouring terrorists
DT: I am going to choke their funds until those assholes come begging to me and I will grant them aid on condition they reduce their nukes.
NM: I have a better plan but may be Putin is listening on this call, so let us talk face to face. I will ask Shreeman Amit Shah to coordinate our calendars through your Chief of Staff. I will come to the White House.
DT: No no let us meet in Trump Tower, it is more secure and the food is better. And my administration is terrific and I have a beautiful, beautiful chef who cooks the best vegetarian meal in the whole planet.
NM: Yes let us meet because India and US can together change the world and we will make India Mahan and America Great Again.
DT: Until then take care Narendrabhai, if they go high, we know how to lie.